Man. I have to stop doing this. When is the last time I fell for someone quickly? It’s been a long while, but I felt the danger immediately this time. All I could think, and nearly “confessed” in the server was ‘This is going to hurt like hell once it ends’. I even told my prediction to a few people. I had no real reason to believe it except gut instinct. I need to listen to it more often.
I told him he had every right to be talking to other women at that point. I asked about specific people. Polyamory vs monogamy and my stance on it had come up. All were met with carefully chosen words and management. Some were met with blatant lies. What I didn’t know, the other women certainly didn’t, either. A pause in spicy activities is hardly a “I’ve found someone and would like to just be friends now.” What a convenient door left open.
He was the first person to make me feel hope for something again after my reality was shattered in March. I’d genuinely come to terms with the fact that the part of me that could want or trust another person was broken. He reassured me and comforted me. He still chose to do this.
It’s hard not to feel like the universe is beating me down for even having hope that someone could care about me properly; like I don’t deserve to feel safe. What we had wasn’t even that long-lasting, but god did he perfect his art. He made it feel real. He really, truly had me going for a bit.
This feels worse than some 6-month+ relationship breakups did. I think it was because my fragile sense of hope was so flagrantly thrown aside.
Why wasn’t I good enough to be honest and kind toward? Why did the voice and eyes that I adored and that made the world melt away treat me with a complete disregard?
Funny enough, my evil eye necklace was tangled beyond repair, I guess that’s one way to break. I’d worn it for such a long time and it had never tangled like that. I didn’t think a necklace actively being worn could do that. I guess that it could be seen as having taken a massive hit by helping me dodge a bullet. God knows, despite how much this is hurting me, it would have hurt much worse if we’d continued.
I just wish he cared about how much pain he caused. Even a little. He went right into perception management. Excellent talent for stakeholders and clients, less so for a woman you hurt badly. I think the final blow to my spirit was that he showed no remorse or care that I was hurt by everything.
Why did I deserve this, in his mind?
Tarot never lies. There is zero science to it, but its been scarily accurate every time thus-far. The above reading is a “how does this person view me” spread. Below is a future love spread.
above:
Current feelings, Three of Cups reversed: Third-party complications, multiple romantic or sexual connections, messy social entanglements.
Foundation, Magician reversed: Misdirection, manipulation, selective presentation of the truth, charm being used dishonestly.
External influences, Death reversed: Difficulty ending old connections, resistance to clean transitions, holding onto things that should be released.
What he desires/expects, Five of Pentacles reversed: Wanting back in after being shut out, reconciliation, recovery, regaining connection or access.
Potential future, Ace of Cups reversed: A blocked emotional beginning. Genuine feelings may exist, but hurt and dishonesty prevent them from developing healthily.
Overall: There may have been real feelings, but they’re tangled up with other people, dishonesty, and unfinished connections. He may want back in, but the emotional beginning has been poisoned.
Uncannily accurate, right?
above:
Readiness, Queen of Cups reversed: Emotionally bruised and overextended right now. Protect yourself and regain your footing before pouring yourself into somebody again.
Challenges, Emperor upright: Boundaries, control, and structure. Build strong standards without becoming so guarded that you require impossible certainty.
Opportunities, Justice upright: Honesty, fairness, accountability, reciprocity, and relationships where everyone has enough information to make their own choices.
First steps, Two of Swords reversed: Take off the blindfold. Stop remaining undecided once the available evidence already gives you an answer. Trust your judgment.
Possible outcome, Ten of Cups upright: Deep mutual emotional fulfillment, stable partnership, belonging, and potentially lasting love or family.
Overall: Heal, establish boundaries, prioritize integrity over intensity, trust yourself when something doesn’t add up, and remain open to a genuinely fulfilling relationship.
There may be hope, in the end. I just don’t think Nathan is going to want to be what I need. I hope he is comfortable in his choice and that he will be happy. Aside from wanting to feel safe and secure with him, his happiness is all I wanted.
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