Reprogram

For a long, long time, I thought I was always the way I was and would be. Maybe interests will pop in and out, maybe I will superficially change my shell, but at my core, I am my habits. I will always be and have the same core defining traits.

That view is finally changing.

I thank the medication, most of all. I can’t imagine where my life would be had I been medicated for ADHD and anxiety long ago. While I do have those, I think the combination also treats my paralyzing autistic traits, in a way that they don’t trap me, but I can look at things more objectively and evaluate myself.

You know how long it took me to really understand that people form opinions of me based on what they see, and what they see isn’t what I think that I’m putting out there? Literally. High school. Even then, I didn’t fully come to terms with or understand it to a full degree. I was freer then, but I was… a caveman state of myself.

I still took many years to understand how I look and what I say, and the effects it had on others. It was like a science experiment of mental notes. “This went poorly, this had good results.” My professional image took hits during this time, but I was doing the best I could. It turns out, people aren’t reading into what I say and trying to find another, worse meaning. They didn’t understand what I was trying to say. What I was intending wasn’t the only option.

I think the impulse control of it all is the key. Stopping. The issue is, I do stop and think- hard, even. Just for the wrong things. I ruminate and justify. The weird thing I said or did? How can I reframe it in my head so there’s some peace or justice to it? Do I talk poorly to my past self, or gently parent?

The key all along was to not engage. Who knew? I know I want to fit in, be normal in social situations, and be likable. But that comes from in-the-moment observations and thinking just a little longer about what I say and do, not ruminating painfully over it.

I sadly did it so much that it’s now my brain’s immediate idle response. I have to reprogram the basics that my brain goes by. By practicing shutting down the inner dialogue, though, it’s helping in other ways that my brain simply just ran off before.

I’m trying to pay my debts. Nothing new. Life story, at this point. In seeing I had 900 on a card with no interest until March, I caught my brain. Typically, I’d daydream about what else I could do. I’m free from that stress for some months, so I have a little more wiggle room. Maybe more of those Hourglass matte balms? Oh I love them.

Oh- Oh no. Pause. Stop. Not a good pattern. Disengage. It was an automatic self-callout. I didn’t get a dopamine rush from the daydreams or plans, didn’t even mentally run off to window shop. I was put off.

I know this isn’t the final form, and I’ll probably take a few steps back. This gave me a little hope, though. Maybe I really can become a positive, responsible person. That’s the dream; undo those brain-knots of the past.