This is new. This is horrible.

I had a little crush on a friend before the flirting, when I thought there was a certain concrete barrier against ever acting on it. We’d been flirtatious, sending and getting spicy material, being emotionally vulnerable together.

We had the ‘what are we’ talk. A few wires were crossed, I guess. While there was *some* mutual romantic attraction and plenty of physical attraction, he has no room in his head and heart for anyone. I, on the other hand, had grown strong feelings because the signals I misread felt more solid than they ever actually were.

Of course I’m respecting his choice and boundaries, but this is… new. Even with all his broken pieces, I adored every bit. He had everything I could’ve only dreamed about finding. He’s so genuinely big-hearted. Our tastes are the same. He’s good to his family. He’s talented in many ways and impressive in his work. Every idea of his was golden. He listens, asks, and remembers things. He genuinely cares. He’s sensitive in the best ways and self-aware. He has emotional awareness while still being able to take charge in moments. He’s silly, with the best sense of humor and timing. He’s incredibly handsome.

This isn’t the limerence I’m used to. This is something new. Its like finally realizing what Ive always hoped for was actually possible, and will never happen. At the same time, while it does feel that intensely, I feel like an absolute idiot for saying it.

It felt weird to see everything I’ve ever wanted in a partner right in front of me, you know? This should be giving me hope that its possible, but my mind cant help but think it was only possible once.

Again, not to say that I don’t respect his choice. I do. He’s an amazing, communicative person and I’m glad he’s doing what’s best for himself. I’d just like to add a lobotomy or hammer to my head with the bundle, is all.

I really hope I can go back to being his friend soon. I think I’m making him uncomfortable with my inability to snap right back into friend mode. He has enough to stress about and doesn’t need me on that list. I wish I could turn off my heart.

It just kills me that anyone could ever break the heart of someone like him. That someone could have him and still believe there is better out there.

haha God, I sound cheesy.

Thats what I get for vent journalblogging while under the influence. I’m aiming to not feel a thing anymore. This is so dumb…

Part of me still wants to visit for a very casual but intense hang-out, even if nothing romantic comes of it. Even if my heart cant be fulfilled, my body might be able to be lol kms