….Okay, listen. LISTEN. He added me back, the morning after the Halloween party. Mr. N. I had no intention of giving in. In fact, I was very firm and cold the first few days. A little theatrical, but what do we expect at this point. I was already honestly thinking of meeting up with him for just physical fun in February when I need to go anyway, so this was an opening. I told him he owed makign sure I got home safely from drinking at Witherspoons. He said he would.
And as therapy warned me, the daily minutiae caught up and we became regular again. He still HAS to talk to me about things, but I’m giving him until the end of the weekend. If he doesn’t, it doesn’t matter how we feel; it wont work.
He has opened up a LOT more, though. He isn’t the pompous “anyone other than me is a downgrade” man performing for me when we first called (only to show privates to M right after and lie about it, ofc). No, he’s been more honest. Vulnerable. Less sexual. Prioritizing me. He was rushed to work this morning, but still made time to say good morning and that he hoped I was sleeping well. The panic in his voice was more than enough confirmation.
The tarot is never wrong, of course. I reread it. Broken beginnings and lack of trust. Manipulation. All true things that happened. Still, the future read broken beginnings, not an entire ending. If it does go somewhere, it didn’t have a smooth start. I guess I’m okay with that.
I like that he makes me think, knows things I don’t, has a wonderful job that he worked hard to get, provides for himself well, cares about appearances (even if a little too much at first), and has similar… interests. I want to give grace to who he is showing he can be, but I’m not under the impression that things are automatically better enough to be a relationship. I need to know if it’s just me. I need to know a lot of details. Dealbreakers. I need to be better at walking away even when feelings are still there.
I am aware, but not without hope. I promise to not be too Kaval Sviri about it.
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